Monday, May 30, 2016

Four Letter Word: Fear

There have been so many things holding me back from living my life.  But the biggest root of it, was FEAR.  I didn't realize it until, I started taking on a victim role in some of my personal circumstances.  I am not one who lets myself be a victim.  I have always been able to find a way out of negative circumstance.  I wasn't brought up in a societal ideal situation, but did not let that hold me back from working towards my goals.  Recently, I let anger, adversity, and the fear of success stop me dead in my tracks of working towards my goals.  Now, bear with me as I get through my story of living with fear of success.

When my ex-husband and I were first separated, I worked hard to position and set myself up for success.  I had big plans and dreams.  I realized that many of our bills were not being paid during our marriage.  In my single life, I vowed to not let this happen again.  In our divorce, I took on all the debt and collections from my marriage. Because, my income was so much greater than his, I also take on more of the day-to-day expenses of raising our children (daycare is very expensive in Minnesota).  Now, I am in worse shape financially and physically than I was two years ago. 

Almost two years ago, I became a coach through Beachbody.  I was given the opportunity through a friend who inspired me in so many ways.  She encouraged me to take a leap of faith.  During my weight loss journey, Ria was a big cheerleader for me.  As I was weighing my decision, she reminded me of how many people I inspired during my weight loss journey.  I remember taking a look at my bank account and weighing the opportunity.  During my Weight Watchers days, my leader was pushing for me to come a leader.  I knew I had the skill set to coach others.  So, I signed up to coach and bought Piyo.

I had full intent of working the business.  I did for awhile.  My first paycheck paid for school supplies for my daughters.  My fulltime job got busy, and I couldn't keep up with my Beachbody business.  My business went on the backburner.  I lost so much of myself.  I gained weight.  My confidence slipped.  Fear was whispering in my ear.

I approached rock bottom.  By this time fear had a strong hold on me.  What if I get rejected?  What if I let people down?  What if I make more money and have to pay my ex-husband more money in child support?  Child support that I cannot manage to pay at the moment, because living expenses are so high. This is B.S!  I can't make ends meet and I am letting a four letter word hold me back.  And, for the third time in my life I am more concerned about what others think about me more so than myself.

Fear, you are not welcome here anymore.  I have had enough of you screwing up my life.  You need to leave now, and don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

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