Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Lost Identity

I have lost my identity.  I am not talking about my social security number or credit card information.  I am talking about how in the midst of motherhood I gave up bits of who I was here and there.  I didn't have a problem with this at the time.  I loved the nurturing my daughters into who they are becoming.  But, now that they are becoming more and more independent I am realizing that I need to evolve myself as a person and a mother.

I realized that I lost myself as I was going through my initial weight loss journey and my ex-husband and my separation and divorce process.  As I tried to submerse myself in social situations, I felt a bit awkward.  I didn't feel like I had a lot to add to conversations.  It was especially awkward in situations were the majority of the other people did not have kids, because I found my conversations revolving around my kids or I couldn't relate to being able to do what I want when I wanted.

It really hit home when someone at work mentioned that he really felt got to know my kids through working on a project with me. At first I was offended.  I wondered if the people around me didn't think I had any depth.  Did they enjoy being around me, or did I bore them?  I immediately tried coming up with ways where I could transform myself to be more than a single working mom.

That is how I came to realize that I had lost myself again.  I couldn't remember the last time I worked out or really did something for myself (within my own interests).  I was waiting.  But, I didn't know what I was waiting for.  Slowly, I came to realize I was waiting for directions on how I should be living my life.  The realization didn't make any sense to me, because I wasn't the type of person who could be easily defined by the norm.

In my process, I came to some good conclusions.  I enjoy being the mother to my children.  I enjoy experiencing new things with them, watching them grow and develop, and being proud of their accomplishments.  I never lost any ability to do the hobbies I enjoyed in the past.  It is that those hobbies just look different now.  And, as I embark on the next chapters of my life I cannot wait to see how my interests continue to evolve.  But, I also have to keep in mind what MY vision of my life is and the things I want to focus on: improving myself physically, mentally, spiritually; working towards financial freedom, raising my family, enjoying time with my friends, and spending time exploring new places, things, and ideas.