Giving Up

How did I get derailed from my path to happiness and my ideal life?

Divorce, new job, mass layoffs at new job, and maybe some dating.

Divorce stinks.  Divorce is the worst thing I have gone through.  My marriage crumbling away was frustrating.  I tried to keep it together.  Now, maybe I didn't got about keeping my marriage intact in the best way.  I know I didn't.  I enabled my ex- husband, myself, and our relationship to take the course it did.  Never did I speak up, address him, or take action clearly enough to steer the marriage back on the right course.  You see, I did probably the worst thing.  I tried to fix it on my own.  I didn't seek input from my ex on what we needed to do to right the ship.  If he gave input I shut him down or out.  In my defense, the last few years of our marriage I didn't feel like I had a partner.  I felt like our relationship had morphed into roommates.  And, at the very end, I felt more like his mother than his wife. 

I learned a lot from being married and divorced.  I learned how to be a better partner for future relationships.  I learned how to be vulnerable.  The vulnerability did not come easily.  It took two friends to pull that beast out of me.  You see, I was perfectly uncomfortably comfortable in my shell.  I was uncomfortable because, I felt alone and burdened.  I was comfortable, because no one could hurt me or judge me or break me there.  I didn't have to go through the discomfort of sharing my story and be pitied.

OK, I digressed a bit.  Back on track.  When my ex-husband move out (per my request).  We were in agreement on how everything was to be divided and parenting time with the kids.  I got a lawyer to draw it up.  In the meeting he was agreeable.  We agreed to split the costs of the children based on the percent of what we each make.  I made more, so I would pay more of their expenses.  She drew up the documents.  We proof read them separately, and he had some concerns over the wording.  I told him to tell me what words he wasn't happy with, and I would have them corrected. 

He ended up getting a lawyer.  Again, we rehashed everything.  Amended what he was not happy with.  Then, we waited forever to get finalized documents....only to find out his lawyer left the law firm.  She left the records of our case in disarray.  He came up with new demands.  Which lead us into mediation.  I walked out of mediation having to pay him child support, because he was making $13/hour doing construction.  Which is considerably less than I make.  Ironically, in my small hometown he could have gotten job in a factory making more.  I looked at the help wanted ads and found most construction jobs paid $20-25/hour.  We have joint custody. 

I gave up on myself, because I didn't have the budget to cover my monthly expenses with the added child support.  Especially, since I went from paying 70% of childcare to paying 100% of childcare.  I tried hard to live within my means.  I saw a financial counselor.  When she looked at my expenses, income, and compared it to a typical budget she came up with that I should have a $700 a month deficit.  I didn't have that big of a deficit, because I cut corners where I could, looked for deals, or found creative ways to budget.

Seeing that in a budget format, in black and white...was a big blow to my mojo.  And the deficit would have been worse had I stayed at my previous job. 

Establishing my "Why"

What is your why? is a question that gets asked a lot in the BeachBody community.  I have to dig back to myself from January 1st 2012 when I first really committed to getting healthy.  In the past I did it half heartedly.  I joined Weight Watchers, because I was:

• sick of being unhappy
• not liking my reflection in the mirror
• not being able to buy clothes that I thought were cute
• deeply contemplating what kind of legacy I wanted to leave my daughters
• not able to keep up with my daughters
• not living my ideal life

As I look at each of these points I think:

• What is happiness to me?
• What do I want my relfection to look like?
• Where do I want to shop?
• What do I want my daughters to learn from me?
• What do I need to do to keep up with my daughters?
• What is my ideal life?

What is happiness to me?  Feeling free from debt.  Having minimal stress.  Living life to the fullest.  Feeling at home in my home.  Being comfortable in my skin.

What do I want my reflection to look like?  Like this chick from my class reunion in Sept of 2013.  I am totally loving those calves.  Those calves are the result of a good diet and exercise.



Where do I want to shop?  I would love to walk by any store in the mall, walk in, try on the cute number in the window, and it look good on me.  I also want the budget to purchase the cute clothes...yes, this goes against some minimalistic principals, but more on that later.  But, what can I say, I really like looking good.  I don't care how superficial that sounds.

What do I want my daughters to learn from me?  I want them to learn that their body is the only one that they have.  They need to take care of it by fueling it with wholesome foods and getting enough exercise.

What do I need to do to keep up with my daughters?  I don't want to be the mom sitting on the sidelines.  I want to be engaged and involved in their lives.  We have so much more fun playing than we do sitting on the couch.  I want them to learn inner strength, perseverance, love, compassion, and kindness from me.

What is my ideal life?  My ideal life is one where I am not struggling to hold it all together.  I have enough income to cover my bills, save some, and have some for having fun.  I don't have debt; well, maybe a mortgage.  I have a healthy diet and do a lot of from scratch cooking.  I have time to exercise.  I love myself.  I work to live.  I spend time with my daughters.  I feel safe and secure.  I am calm. 

OK, so I was well on my way to achieving that, and now you are wondering what happened....

Well, there is more to come.