Lost Identity

I have lost my identity.  I am not talking about my social security number or credit card information.  I am talking about how in the midst of motherhood I gave up bits of who I was here and there.  I didn't have a problem with this at the time.  I loved the nurturing my daughters into who they are becoming.  But, now that they are becoming more and more independent I am realizing that I need to evolve myself as a person and a mother.

I realized that I lost myself as I was going through my initial weight loss journey and my ex-husband and my separation and divorce process.  As I tried to submerse myself in social situations, I felt a bit awkward.  I didn't feel like I had a lot to add to conversations.  It was especially awkward in situations were the majority of the other people did not have kids, because I found my conversations revolving around my kids or I couldn't relate to being able to do what I want when I wanted.

It really hit home when someone at work mentioned that he really felt got to know my kids through working on a project with me. At first I was offended.  I wondered if the people around me didn't think I had any depth.  Did they enjoy being around me, or did I bore them?  I immediately tried coming up with ways where I could transform myself to be more than a single working mom.

That is how I came to realize that I had lost myself again.  I couldn't remember the last time I worked out or really did something for myself (within my own interests).  I was waiting.  But, I didn't know what I was waiting for.  Slowly, I came to realize I was waiting for directions on how I should be living my life.  The realization didn't make any sense to me, because I wasn't the type of person who could be easily defined by the norm.

In my process, I came to some good conclusions.  I enjoy being the mother to my children.  I enjoy experiencing new things with them, watching them grow and develop, and being proud of their accomplishments.  I never lost any ability to do the hobbies I enjoyed in the past.  It is that those hobbies just look different now.  And, as I embark on the next chapters of my life I cannot wait to see how my interests continue to evolve.  But, I also have to keep in mind what MY vision of my life is and the things I want to focus on: improving myself physically, mentally, spiritually; working towards financial freedom, raising my family, enjoying time with my friends, and spending time exploring new places, things, and ideas.

Quick Intro

I think there comes a time in everybody's life where they think, “How the _____ did I get here?” It is particularly disheartening when you think you have been doing everything right or when you know the hand you were dealt was stacked against you the whole time. I have asked myself the “How the ____” question a lot through out my life. And, there are instances where I know in my heart that I did everything “right”. There are also instances where I was put into a tough situations. In either case, I could have handled it in a way that (in the long run) I would not have been proud of myself, but it would have been easier to say or do something potentially damaging.

Rough patches seem to be a common theme in my life: from my birth to my current situation. It is not always easy to stay positive or even want to continue working/moving forward with my head up. I find ways to push through my negative experiences, even when it feels like I am digging closer to rock bottom rather than climbing out. There have been times where I have felt all alone in whatever I was dealing with, and other times where I felt I had a huge army of support. In many of these situations, I believe that I cannot possibly be the only one who is dealing with this. There has to be someone else out there in a similar boat. Or maybe, if I am pioneering this problem, someone can learn from me or know that he/she is not alone.

One night a few months ago, I spontaneously asked a friend to meet me for dinner. He is a single dad having primary physical custody of two sons. I am a single mom of two daughters (my ex-husband and I have joint custody). Our kids were being kids, and we were talking about the struggles and stigmas of being divorced, single parenting, working full-time, etc. We manage to interject humor through out the conversation. We got on the subject of winning the lottery. My reply was something to the extent of I would buy a house (still in my community), travel during the summers, work part-time. He on the other hand, said that he would find away to give and work for the less fortunate. It was so touching, and says a lot about this man's character. 

When we got home, I got the girls and myself to bed, and continued to think about what he said. I felt sort of selfish in my response of only doing for my daughters and myself. I thought about the struggles and injustices we discussed earlier in the night. I thought about how far I had come in my journey, and the times I felt discouraged. In the times of discouragement, I couldn't find the resources I needed to get me through. I had this friend and a few others point me in a few directions, but it took a lot of work for me to unearth the tools and resources I needed to get me on the path I wanted to be on. In that moment, I knew I had to do something. Something to help people who can relate to my story.